My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Randomize
