I wish I could teleport
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
