I just saw a hot homeless man
I CAN MOONWALK!
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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