There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
