My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Actions speak louder than pants.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
