She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
