look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
