Don't EVER smell your tampon
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I had to cum in my sink.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
