My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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