i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
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