i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize