I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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