Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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