Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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