I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Sext me about skeletons
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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