I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
