Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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