The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
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She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
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My ass is underappreciated
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
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