I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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