Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
