You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
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