Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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