U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
