I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
