they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Randomize
