benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Randomize
