im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Hello my rib-scented angel!
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
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