apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
