he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Randomize
