Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
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