i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
