Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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