My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
You need Xanax blowdarts
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
Randomize
