Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
The dick lei will go down in squad history
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