is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
