matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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