bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
