all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
