am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
