I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
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