just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
