dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
