just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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