ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
