i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
