I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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