come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
