I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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