He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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