then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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