Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
