Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Randomize
